when i was little my brother and i would compete in my grandparent’s pool to see who could hold their breath under water the longest.
i always won.
now, at the age of 21, i sit completely alone. naked in a bath tub. holding my breath under water for different reasons. not for competition but so i could feel the adrenaline pump through my body when i have held my breath for way longer than i should have.
don’t be concerned. i am ok.
it’s just the only time that i feel i have complete control of myself.
this one will be short.
like the breaths i can barely take.
my heart aches maybe more than before.
how stupid of me to let people in just so they can take advantage of me.
i feel even more worthless than i did before.
i didn’t think it was possible.
i post this in hopes that maybe one day i look back on these silly couple of months and laugh at how naive 20 year old me was. that there are bigger problems than a broken heart. that love still exists in a much simpler form.
to the selfish boy who keeps breaking my heart time and time again: i still pray to God that you’re the one to heal it. crazy huh? that i’m praying to a higher power for you to stay. is this what they call insanity?
in the meantime i’ll reminisce on the good times we had, because when i do, things feel like they’re back in place. until i wake up and things spiral up again. its a never-ending cycle. and i want out..
i write this post so my blog strays away from the typical heartbreak blog. i realize that my first post, ‘an open letter to the boy who gave me confidence’ might have insinuated that i am heart broken, can’t get over a guy (which is true) but there is so much more to life than finding “the one” or finding love then maybe losing it.
i believe that every person has a soul mate. but i have 4. i have found love & friendship and am genuinely happy with my life and the people in it. my 4 soul mates are my 3 sisters and brother. i don’t have a cute or interesting story to tell you about how we all met, i honestly don’t remember. but i have countless of stories of when they’ve made me laugh so hard that i cry or when my chest aches with pain but they still manage to bring a smile to my face. i have been so blessed to see you all grow these last 6 years and cannot wait for you all to achieve such great things and see the world. the friendships that i have made with these 4 individuals are something that cannot be replaced. I am so thankful that God has brought you all in my life and will cherish this friendship until i’m old (but still down to shotgun a beer.) so this post… this one is to our friendship, to our future’s; to wherever life seems to be taking us.
it’s been almost 3 months since I was able to call you mine. also 3 months since I last felt your touch. i’m still confused and also concered as to why I miss you just as much as my heart did the day we ended. if I’m being honest I think it’s because you were the only person who knew me; even better than I knew myself. i can’t help but wonder what could have been, why things ended so abruptly, why my heart still aches. but I’m a firm believer of “everything happens for a reason.” i know you will probably never read this and if you did I don’t think you’d understand because maybe that memory of us doesn’t exist in your world anymore. and I realize that I sound so pathetic, it has become a very familiar feeling lately..
but i remember giving you the most vulnerable parts of me, do you? i remember the night you told me you loved me, do you? you were the boy who taught me how to love & I thank you for that. i didn’t know that a girl like me was capable of loving someone more than I loved myself. you taught me confidence, that other people’s opinions didn’t matter, my self worth. you told me countless of times that I deserved better; well today, I can say that I agree with you. you didn’t deserve me. you don’t deserve the love that I have and you don’t deserve the love that I will learn in my twenties. i deserve more than a boy who couldn’t tell me that he no longer loved me. i deserve more.
but i don’t regret you. i don’t regret falling in love with the boy from my summer job. i don’t regret the kisses or “i love you’s.” you taught me so much & our friendship is what I valued most; it’s what i miss the most. and we’ve had our moments but we’re getting older and that “almost” just isn’t enough for me. maybe one day I will look back on this post and laugh about how young and naive I was but for now all i can do is take in this sadness and embrace it. I’m starting to believe that I have it all figured out but there is still so much that I have yet to learn. for one, I’ve learned that timing is everything and that things happen because I make them happen. but as for you, I’m tired of letting you become the source of my sadness & emptiness. i have to remember that loneliness is an emotion that we must feel to know ourselves better, so I hope you’re feeling lonely too. i know you’d never see this, but I wish you the best in life. i hope your writing and love for sports gets you where you want to be. and i hope you’ve learned to love yourself just as much as I love you. but in five years from now when I am at my happiest peak, just know you’ve helped me get there by not being there.